Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you'll never feel good enough?
This week's episode is a candid reflection of that journey, sharing my own struggle with feeling 'never good enough' and how this is a core wound most of my clients have faced.
I also share where this fear comes from and the unhealthy patterns that can arise from it. Lastly, I share a perspective shift on how to grow and move towards your dreams and desires without making yourself wrong for where and who you are right now.
Journaling questions from episode:
What am I afraid will happen if I'm not good enough?
Where am I creating impossible expectations for success?
What are 10 ways I'm already successful and winning at life?
How can I get just 1% better every day?
What are the habits (not the outcomes) that will make what I desire inevitable? In other words, who do I need to be in order for my desires to be created naturally over time?
Are you ready to start your own healing era?
Join Alchemy Healing Membership and access my entire library of pre-recorded 1-1 style healing sessions plus all of my courses for just $37/month for founding members.
Join Alchemy VIP Level and access everything in the base membership plus a LIVE group healing 1x/month and a private group Telegram channel to get mindset and healing support from me throughout the month. Every 3 months of being a member you earn a 30 minute 1:1 mindset coaching session with me. You will also be able to connect to likeminded women on a similar journey. The special founding member price is $147/month.
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you'll never feel good enough?
This week's episode is a candid reflection of that journey, sharing my own struggle with feeling 'never good enough' and how this is a core wound most of my clients have faced.
I also share where this fear comes from and the unhealthy patterns that can arise from it. Lastly, I share a perspective shift on how to grow and move towards your dreams and desires without making yourself wrong for where and who you are right now.
Journaling questions from episode:
What am I afraid will happen if I'm not good enough?
Where am I creating impossible expectations for success?
What are 10 ways I'm already successful and winning at life?
How can I get just 1% better every day?
What are the habits (not the outcomes) that will make what I desire inevitable? In other words, who do I need to be in order for my desires to be created naturally over time?
Are you ready to start your own healing era?
Join Alchemy Healing Membership and access my entire library of pre-recorded 1-1 style healing sessions plus all of my courses for just $37/month for founding members.
Join Alchemy VIP Level and access everything in the base membership plus a LIVE group healing 1x/month and a private group Telegram channel to get mindset and healing support from me throughout the month. Every 3 months of being a member you earn a 30 minute 1:1 mindset coaching session with me. You will also be able to connect to likeminded women on a similar journey. The special founding member price is $147/month.
Hello and welcome back to the next episode of wildly fulfilled. I am so excited to dive into today's episode and I also just want to be real and authentic that last week felt like a shit show in so many ways. I did my healing but I did not record the podcast episode about that healing. And it's interesting because I think I've really had some huge shifts around last week's healing that it almost kind of took me out for a little bit, and I'm going to go into that a little bit more deeply how healing cannot always be rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes it brings up our dark stuff. It brings up the things that we don't want to look out and it really can make it difficult to move forward. At first it's like you have to spend some time with your inner child and spend some time with that version of you that was really struggling with the thing that you were healing. But it's all worth it, because when you actually take that time and you actually decide to basically hold your own hand through the process of healing and be present for all the emotions that rise up, I believe that's when the real healing happens. I don't want this self healing experiment to ever become just some to-do list that I am ticking off each week, and it's so easy for that to happen when we have set goals and we're like yep, got to make sure I do this each week. But I don't want it to be that way. I want it to be something that really is true transformation, and so, with that in mind, my goal is always to record weekly, and if that particular week it doesn't make sense and I'm a couple of days late or I need to adjust and maybe podcast about something else, then I'm going to do that. I'm going to honor this healing process. I will actually be doing some interviews as well on the podcast, which I'm really, really excited about. So I'll be kind of interspersing these healing episodes with some other amazing people coming in and sharing their wisdom and their healing journeys.
Speaker 1:So this week was all about and I say this week, really it was last week. Last week was all about healing fear of not being good enough. Now again, this is one of those prerecorded sessions that I have in my library, so I just had to basically click the video and get started. What I was not expecting was how much was going to come out of this, this healing, and it makes sense now that I look back, because fear of not being good enough, I feel like that's one of those core fears that pretty much every human being has.
Speaker 1:And why do we have that fear? Because, at the core of it, that part of us that wants to survive, that wants to be a part of the group. If we are not good enough, or if we fear that we're not good enough, we fear that we're going to be rejected, that we won't be accepted, that will end up completely alone. And so, depending on how you grew up as well, you could have easily internalized this idea that in order to be loved, in order to be accepted, in order to be liked, you had to prove yourself, you had to people please, you had to be perfect, you had to earn that love and that acceptance. And so that fear of not being good enough, although most of the time we think it's based on our skills. But we think, oh, if I just get all these certifications, if I get enough experience, if I just get really, really good at the thing that I want to be good at, then that will be the solution and then, finally, I'm gonna feel like I'm good enough.
Speaker 1:But usually it's so much deeper than that. It's not actually about the skill or the thing that you are wanting to be better at. It's usually just like this core, inner child wound that we have, that we are not good enough. Not that the thing that we're doing isn't good enough, or the skill that we haven't good enough, or the talent or whatever it is that we're doing. It's that us, we as a person, no matter what we do, we're never gonna be good enough. And that is what this healing was really about is looking at that wound and looking at, well, where did that come from? And how can we heal that? If it's something that is not based on results or the things that we've done or the experiences that we've had, is it just this belief that we have that, no matter what we do, we're not good enough?
Speaker 1:And one of the things that came up for me in connection to this healing is this loop that I've been running through in the past I'd say a past couple of years, so ever since I had a divorce, and I not only had a divorce, but I was living abroad at the time and I had been living abroad for many years. So when I decided to leave my husband which on its own was bad enough. I also was leaving behind this entire life, that I had created this identity of a digital nomad, of this adventurous spirit, this free spirit and basically like had never thought that I would live back in the US again. And then, on top of that, I was moving back home to Mississippi, where a place that I never thought that I would move back to. And then I was living with my mother while I was trying to figure out my next steps and just healing through that process, and I only owned whatever could fit in my two suitcases, which, while I was traveling, felt very freeing. It felt liberating to not own so much and to just be on this life adventure.
Speaker 1:However, when I came back to America, that feeling quickly dissipated and I felt shame around it, like, oh, I should be further along, I should have nice things, I should own a home, I should have a nicer car. I started really shaming myself and feeling like I was a loser and a failure because of all these things that had happened in such a quick time frame. And I don't think I realized until this week, when I was doing this healing, where all of that pattern was coming from. I didn't click, I didn't connect the dots, that it was because of all those things that happened to me in such a short time frame that I was feeling like I was a loser and a failure and I literally was being this mean to myself. I have been calling myself a loser and a failure in all these areas of my life because I was just creating these impossible benchmarks. I wasn't giving myself any grace for all the shift and all the change that has happened for me in the past couple of years I guess two and a half years now. It showed me this pattern that I tend to have around feeling like a failure and most of the time it comes from just again that core wound of not being good enough.
Speaker 1:And I remember being in college, in high school too, I went to a math and science high school and just putting these ridiculous expectations on myself. I remember going to my chemistry teacher like weekly and figuring out who had the highest, like did I still have the highest grade in the class? And if I wasn't in the highest, what do I need to do to get extra credit or whatever? Because I wanted to be the best and for some reason in my mind I felt like if I could just be the best, then everything would be okay, then I would be good enough. But what I discovered in college and high school was that all that did was create this enormous pressure and over identification with what I could accomplish and what I could achieve, and not so much with who I was as a person and what made me happy. It was all about that external accomplishment and feeling like if I could just do the right things and be perfect at it, then I would be able to overcome that feeling of not being enough.
Speaker 1:But unfortunately, even no matter what goal I had and I had these really big goals in school I would achieve them. When I would achieve that goal that I thought was gonna be the thing that was gonna solve everything, inevitably I wouldn't feel any different. And I remember thinking back then wow, like this doesn't feel anything, like I thought it would feel. I thought it was gonna feel different, I thought it was gonna feel better about myself. And so, rather than taking time to really figure out, well, this is obviously not working, I would instead just figure out okay, well, what's the next thing, what's this other thing that's gonna make me feel better? What's this even bigger, loftier goal that's gonna change everything for me. And it really wasn't until I spent a semester abroad and went and studied and traveled that I really started to take that time away and realize that that was not working for me and that really I just wanted to be happy and all of that was beautiful and great. But what happened was when I started my business when I was 26,. There's like these different turning points in my life.
Speaker 1:When I started my business, when I got divorced, it's almost like when these things happened, I went back into that old pattern again without realizing it and I felt like, oh, I'm starting a new business, I have to prove myself, I have to show that I'm enough. And I overworked and burnt myself out trying to prove, trying to be enough. And again I noticed that about a year in I realized, oh, I'm doing that thing again where I'm trying to prove myself. And then I took a big step back. I started looking at how I could run my business in a way that was nourishing and that didn't burn me out over the long term.
Speaker 1:And then, most recently in the past in 2021, when I had my divorce, I believe there was a big part of me, even subconsciously I don't think I consciously realized this there was a part of me that was like well, you failed, this is a big deal. You got a divorce. You did the thing that you never thought that would happen, and so now you need to make up for that. You need to overcome this shame by being better, by being somebody else, by proving myself as worthy, and so I just find it really interesting and I'm coming full circle now, of course, back to present day and noticing that how insidious this pattern is and how it really does keep you. It keeps me from moving forward in the way I want to, but not only that experiencing joy and fulfillment and doing the things that really light me up just for the sake of it lighting me up, not because I feel like it has to be something or I have to improve myself. So I feel like it was really powerful for me to focus on that, and I have felt a lot of shifting just this week alone, and I've just been giving myself a lot more grace.
Speaker 1:It's almost like this wool has been lifted over my eyes and I'm like, wow, this is complete bullshit. I don't have to be perfect. What the heck. I would never expect anybody else to be perfect in order to be an incredible person and to be a good friend and to be a good partner and to be a good business owner and to go out there and do their craft. I would never expect perfection in order for people to do what calls to them, and so I'm wondering how much of this you relate to and I know that there are people out there who relate to this, because I've created a course called you Woke Up Worthy, I have a book called you Woke Up Worthy and I've worked with hundreds of women directly, thousands through my books and through my content over the years, and I know that this is a core wound that many people experience.
Speaker 1:And I feel like women even more, because we are in a society where we are taught that our value comes from our nurturing and what we can do for others and how good we can be and how pleasing we can be. And it's like this, unspoken and sometimes spoken, but a lot of times, even when it's not being directly spoken, we feel that we feel that we have to perform and we have to do things in order to be loved, accepted, appreciated, especially that appreciated piece like and when we're feeling unappreciated. Sometimes our instinct is to just keep giving more and more. It's like, well, if I just keep doing more, maybe eventually they'll appreciate me. And what happens is usually we don't get the appreciation we desire, we don't get the response that we hope for, and then we just feel even worse about ourselves. And so, really, the answer to healing this fear of not being good enough for this wound it's never gonna be about the things that you're doing. Those things that you're doing are not the answer, as much as we want them to be, as much as that sounds like it would be the simple, you know Way to make this work, it's not gonna be the answer ever, because that wound has nothing to do with what you're doing. It's all about accepting yourself as you are right now, in this moment, and that is the hardest work ever honestly to just give yourself the grace that you give to other people, give yourself the recognition and the appreciation that you so naturally give to other people.
Speaker 1:Over the past couple days I was doing some journaling and of course you know me, I'm all about journaling. I find journaling, in combination with doing this healing work, to be so powerful. So the healing modality I use is called clear energy therapy and it is powerful, it's potent and I find that for me I also need to Do some processing through writing or even speaking in boxer, like I'll do like a little verbal processing in my own boxer app, but I find that processing it helps me to really solidify the healing in a deeper way, and so maybe these journaling questions will help you to. I'm gonna put them in the show notes for you. So here's some of the questions.
Speaker 1:What am I afraid will happen if I'm not good enough? Where am I creating impossible expectations of success? Basically, where are you setting the bar so freaking high that no human being could ever succeed and you're basically setting yourself up to feel like a failure, even though you're far from being a failure. What are 10 ways I'm already successful? Slash winning at life. So of course, you can do more than 10. I actually did a lot more than 10. I felt like that was really cathartic.
Speaker 1:But there are a lot of times when we're feeling like we're not successful or we're feeling like a loser or we're not good enough. It's because we haven't even taken the time to digest the good that has happened, the good things that we have done or experienced and these things about being successful and winning. It can be actions, it can be things that you've accomplished, but it can also just be about who you are and the kind of person you are. And then, lastly, how can I get just 1% better every day? What are the habits not the outcomes that will make me become the woman I desire to be, naturally, over time? So this last question is really speaking to the fact that usually we it's it's okay to have goals right, it's okay to have this vision for who we desire to become.
Speaker 1:The problem happens when we feel like who we are right now isn't enough and we're not acknowledging who we are in this process. And so one of my favorite things is this concept of being 1% better every day, or even this concept of One mile per hour is always better than zero mile per hour. So a lot of times, when we think about achieving a goal or pursuing you know this big thing that we want, we feel like, oh well, I need to go hit the ground running, I need to go balls to the wall, I need to just put everything I have into it and pour all my energy into it and not just get 1% better. But I need to be 100% better. I need to do all the things all at once and then I can make this happen a lot faster.
Speaker 1:But if we can just be Okay with who we are right now and focus on how we can shift our identity not just our actions are identity to be how can I just be one percent better? What if you stop focusing so much on that outcome, on the desire? Of course, that's easier said than done. You want the thing, you want that life. You want to experience that feeling of wow, I did it. What if you could just focus more on becoming that person, where that outcome will naturally occur? And for me that comes down to the habits. Right, the identity, our identity is largely made up of those small things that we do. It doesn't always have to be about the big things.
Speaker 1:Let's say that you're someone who self sabotages. You'll show up for yourself for a little while and then inevitably you'll stop right because life will happen. And then, because you have this concept of all or nothing I'm either all in it or I'm not in it at all Then you just stop right. But if you have this idea of okay, how can I just be one percent better. How can I just show up in a small way every single day, even though it doesn't feel like it's enough, even though it doesn't feel like I'm gonna get there fast enough?
Speaker 1:If you just have this belief that, as long as you show up, even just a little bit, that compounds like interest over time and it actually gets you there faster and in a more than you would even imagine, because you're not just, it's not just about the outward action. It's about who you're becoming in that process. You're becoming that person who shows up for herself no matter what. And in doing that and showing up for yourself and believing in yourself and knowing that what you're doing Is enough not even knowing that, but like letting it be enough, be like this is enough, I'm doing it. I'm showing up, letting it be enough you end up creating the outcomes naturally over time, because you're not putting so much pressure on it, on yourself, you're not over identifying with that outcome being. That's the thing that's gonna make me successful, that's the thing that's gonna make me good enough. You acknowledge that I'm good enough right now. I'm successful right now, and this is just a new experience that I want to have. This is a desire that I want to call into my life, but you're not over defining yourself based on you getting that thing, and that is a huge shift. It's definitely a huge shift and it's something that I'm deeply working on in 2024 is trying to stop defining myself by these outward Things and instead just become this person that shows up and that's coming up a lot for me in my health journey.
Speaker 1:I'm on a big health journey this year and one of my goals each day is to Just move my body every day and it feels like it's not enough. It feels like it's too small, like it won't matter. But what I've acknowledged is that in moving my body every day and making that a commitment no matter if it's 10 minutes or 30 minutes or 40 minutes or an hour there's something that's happening inside me where I'm becoming that person who moves her body every day, and there's something very fulfilling about that. It gets easier and easier to do the thing. I just feel this sense of accomplishment and like, wow, I did the thing. I'm so proud of myself and I'm moving my body more than I ever have, more than the times where I put so much pressure on it and felt like it had to look a certain way and then it had to be a certain amount of time to count.
Speaker 1:It's interesting how we feel like, if we're just really hard on ourselves, that that will be the thing that shifts things. But actually, the more we can accept ourselves and let what we're doing be enough, we actually end up getting closer to our dreams than ever before. Because if you know that, no matter what you're going to appreciate, you're going to acknowledge the growth and you're going to be proud of yourself, it really makes it a no brainer and it makes it to where it's a lot easier for you to win. I want you to really think about where you're being really hard on yourself and I want you to just end this moment. Wherever you are, I just want you to take a moment and put your hand to your your heart and just tell yourself I'm so proud of you. I am so fucking proud of you. You have come so far. You are more successful than you even imagine. You have so much to be proud of.
Speaker 1:I just want you to talk to yourself from this lens and really just give yourself credit for how amazing you are and really feel that. Feel what it's like to receive that and if there's part of you that's like I don't want to feel this, I don't want to receive this, then that's OK, right, it's a journey and if you feel called to dive into this work with me as I go through these healings, I invite you to join Alchemy, which is my healing membership. Right now. It's only thirty seven dollars for founding members and again, I'll drop the link to join in the show notes. But no matter what you decide to do, I want you to, after listening to this episode, think about how you can just start accepting yourself and not being so hard on yourself, and look at some small things that you can do each day that are not based on the outcome, but it's just habits, things that will inevitably help you become the person you want to become and not focus so much on what you're going to get at the end of that.